Have Yourself a Merry Little Incest
by Hastur
Summary: The dirtiest thing ever written by Hastur, and possibly the funniest. Irreverent, vulgar, sophomoric, etc. M for language and incest. Now with explicit sexual content! Justin and Alex save Christmas by realizing that they love each other. Jalex, huzzah!
1. Fanservice, ho!

Disclaimer: This is a dirty, dirty comedic Jalex. It shall include jokes, puns (the best kind of joke!), slapstick, and dirty, dirty incestuous sexual innuendo. Due to immature language, it must be rated M. You'd have to be a 13 year old boy to enjoy that kind of stuff. (All boys are 13 on the inside.) Seriously, this is full of puerile, sophomoric, vulgar, irreverent and blasphemous shock-humor and as such should probably not be read by anyone. Consider yourself warned.

Disclaimer #2: The use of copyrighted characters, names, locations etc, in this work are intended as parody.

"OK guys!" Jerry was telling his collected family, excitedly, as they were gathered in the loft. "I've got a great idea for a holiday promotion for the Sub Station!"

Alex and Justin groaned. (Max just looked confused.) "Come on dad, your promotions have been so lame in the past! The 'Ice Berger', the Bacon and Tomato sandwich you called the B 'Noel' T, your 'Frostbite-Sized' miniature sandwiches, the mutton sandwich called 'Seasons Bleatings'..." Alex complained.

"Well this year I have no lame puns," Jerry said.

"It'd be better not to have any puns," Alex replied.

"No no, no puns! Just elf costumes!" Jerry said, beaming. Alex and Justin groaned again. (Max continued looking confused.)

Jerry turned around and began getting packages wrapped up in plastic from a big cardboard box behind him. He looked at the tags on each package and handed it to the appropriate person.

"All right, try these on and come back down," he directed. His kids and wife went upstairs to change into their allotted costumes, and then he went upstairs to try on his own.

After a bit, Justin came down, in his costume. Even he had to admit it was kind of nerdy. It had a green shirt and green shorts, but the shirt was so long it nearly covered the shorts. He also had pointy shoes with bells, and red socks. His hat was also pointy and green, and had a red fluffy ball on top. Around the waist there was a red belt.

Then Alex came down the stairs. Justin tried not to stare, but there was something about her outfit that caught his attention. He couldn't quite put his finger on it (as much as he would certainly have liked to.) It was pretty similar to his, except there were no shorts, and the shirt was ended with triangles cut out of the fabric. It was also tighter, and it had a deep V-neck.

"Ugh, look at this," Alex said, coming down the steps and standing near Justin. "It figures the only time dad would let me wear something this short is when I'd rather not. I mean seriously, it's barely a long shirt! It would never fly in the school dress code... and what's the deal with how tight it is, and this neckline? This is the lowest neckline I've ever worn.... Oh God, do you think this was a 'slutty elf' costume dad ordered by mistake? Justin?"

"Hmm?" Justin said nervously.

"Why are you pulling at your collar and fanning yourself?"

"Oh, um, er, this costume is rather tight, is all."

"Right..."

Max came down in his costume, which was more or less identical to Justin's. He was carrying a yellow book, as well.

"What do you have there?" Justin asked Max, relieved to be given a distraction from, er, other things.

"Oh, just an _elf_-help book, on improving your _elf_-esteem."

Alex groaned again. Apparently she wasn't going to get away from lame puns easily. Justin, however, grinned, for which Alex smacked him, and his arm tingled where she touched him, although he didn't quite know why. He was beginning to feel something strange toward his sister, something that he couldn't define - oh, to hell with it. This is a Christmas special, dammit, we don't have time for the characters to reflect on their vile, contemptuous and downright blasphemous emotions for their siblings, so let's skip right to it.

So, Justin's arm tingled because he was in love with his _fucking sister_. (As opposed to a normal sister, which would be one with whom he did not want to fuck.)

(Fortunately, though unbeknown to Justin, Alex was in love with him too, the adorable dork.)

Then their mother came downstairs wearing her costume, which was a Mrs. Claus outfit even more sheer and revealing than Alex's. It was good for Justin that his attraction to his sister didn't come from a Freudian sort of Oedipus complex, or else that outfit would totally overshadow Alex's in his perverse teenage mind. (Is there any other kind?) So to his credit, he wasn't becoming aroused by his mother, although only by virtue of being aroused by his sister. Now, this is strange because their mother is actually rather hot, looks good not only for her age but for any age, and no one would blame him for at least a _passing_ thought that his mother was attractive. That is how much he was in love with his sister.

Then their father came downstairs wearing his Santa Claus costume. As hot as Theresa looked in her costume, Jerry was much, much less so. His belly jiggled like a bowlful of jelly, and it was a little too small for him so it was extra emphasized.

"Ho ho ho!" Jerry called.

"What'd you call me?" Theresa cried. "Oh wait, right....awkward..."

There was a silence.

"So...." Alex said.

"What exactly do we do, now that we're in the elf costumes?" Justin asked.

"Well, you'll just do your normal Sub Station stuff, with one extra duty. One of you will be standing outside at all times, to attract attention to the shop.

"WHAT?" Alex cried. "Dad, I'll freeze! It's New York at Christmastime and I'm _not wearing pants_. (Justin gulped.)

"Bah, you'll be fine, you're a tough girl," Jerry said, waving a hand vaguely as he headed downstairs. He was followed by Theresa, Max, and finally Justin. But just as Justin was about to go down the stairs, Alex pulled him back.

"Justin! I don't want to be cold!"

"I'll warm you up, baby," Justin thought about saying. But he didn't because that would be very creepy, not to mention not really his style. Especially that whole "baby" thing at the end.

"OK," he said instead. "And what do you want me to do about it?"

"Well is there some sort of like, self-warming spell?" Alex asked.

"Heh, I'm surprised you're not just going to find a spell that makes the whole city warm."

"Justin, you're brilliant!" Alex cried, hugging him briefly, making Justin's face go flush. She began to run toward the lair.

"Wait, no!" Justin called after her. "That's very dangerous!"

"Aww, what could go wrong?" Alex said, bounding down the steps. She quickly reached the bottom and pulled a tome from a shelf.

"Remember the _last_ time I fucked with Mother Nature?"

"Eww!"

"Wait, dammit! Unfortunate choice of phraseology there."

Alex continued flipping through the book, looking for a weather spell.

"Aha, here's one. The Always Sunny spell!"

"Does it summon Danny Devito?"

"Quiet, wrong copyright infringement. No, it makes the temperature 72 degrees."

"In which system?"

Alex stared blankly at Justin. "Justin, figure it out from the context."

"Hmm, well you want to be warm, so that rules out Kelvin, since nothing could live at 72 Kelvin. Not to mention saying 'degrees Kelvin' is incorrect, although I doubt you'd know that so I didn't rule it out from there. Now I also have to assume that you don't mean Celsius because it would be, well, a bit too warm. I suppose Fahrenheit, then?"

"Have you _ever_ known me to use anything else?"

"Well, once when you were in third grade I tried to convince you to use the Justin system, which used 0 as absolute zero and 1 as the boiling point of water."

"But did I?"

"No, you kicked me in the shins."

Alex cleared her throat and pulled her wand out.

"_There once was a girl from New York_

_Whose brother was such a big dork_

_She thought it would be funny_

_To cause it to be sunny_

_And stab her brother with a fork."_

"Limerick magic is often bizarre, I mean, where does that last line even come from?" Justin asked. Suddenly, Alex was holding a fork._  
_


	2. Real Santa

A/N: This was always intended to be a multi-chaptered fic, and it gets even more bizarre in the later chapters. From the reviews I got, though, I thought perhaps I should quit while I'm ahead and not tarnish how perfectly hilarious the first chapter was. But then I realized that I still have some puns to share and so I'm not going away that easily.

In this chapter, Alex learns why she should not mess with the natural order of things from the big man himself – but instead of being preachy, it's hilarious.

* * *

Alex came upstairs via the freezer-door entrance and into the Sub Station.

"Hey Alex," her dad said. "Do you want the first shift outside?"

"I dunno, what's the temperature?"

Jerry looked at the indoor/outdoor thermometer on the counter. "Huh... somehow, it says it's 72 degrees. Yes, Fahrenheit, Justin," he added.

"Yes! I'll take it," Alex cried, hopping outside, finding that it was in fact as warm as she had made it with her spell. She practically smiled, a rarity for Alex during working hours. She certainly attracted attention to the Sub Station, especially from the demographic of males around her age. Perhaps Jerry's plan was a good one, if you're willing to overlook the fact that it was essentially _whoring out his own daughter._ It's all cool though. I mean, come on, pretty much an ancient practice, isn't it? You know, the distinction between that and marriage has historically been fairly thin.

After just about fifteen minutes of advertising, a cute boy approached Alex, as was to be expected. Justin watched with envy and, um, other deadly sins from inside the Sub Station.

"Hey," said the boy. Alex smiled back at him. Alas for Justin, she was merely flirting in order to attract customers, but he did not know this.

"Hi," Alex said with a grin and a smirk. "So, come to check out the Sub Station?"

"Come to check something out all right," the boy said, grinning. Justin couldn't take it anymore. He burst out of the shop.

"Justin!" Alex cried.

"What are you, 22?" Justin yelled at the boy hitting on his sister. "I think you should leave my, um, this girl alone!" Alex cocked her eyebrow.

"Whoa, dude," said the boy. "I didn't know this was your girl, I'm sorry man."

"Hey! I'm his sister!"

The cute boy shrugged. "Judge not lest ye be judged." He walked off.

"Justin!" Alex yelled at him once her mark was gone.

"What, Alex? He was probably not interested in a long-term relationship full of mutual respect and love."

"Well neither was _I_. I was just trying to flirt with him until he'd buy something from the restaurant."

"Oh... right. That makes sense," Justin said, deflating.

"Justin, are you _jealous?_"

"Haha, me? No... no...what gave you that idea?"

"I dunno, how about how you were all like 'This is my girl!'"

"You left out the um!"

"Right, that totally makes it less creepy."

As they were arguing, a man dressed in a Santa Claus outfit, and a very good one, one of the nice and expensive ones, approached them. The only thing missing from the outfit was the iconic hat, and instead, he held a red motorcycle helmet under his arm.

"Justin and Alex Russo," he said. The siblings stopped and looked at him. "You're both nice this year, you know. I mean, Alex is a little naughty around the edges but eh, good enough I guess. I'll take what I can get."

"Who are you?" Alex asked, blinking.

"Santa Claus, of course!" he replied.

"Riiight...and how long have you thought you were Santa Claus?"

"Alex," Justin said to her in an aside. "Don't you know that Santa Claus is a powerful wizard?"

"Wait, so he's real?" Alex whispered back. "I've been making fun of Max for writing letters to him all this time for nothing?"

"Um, yes, I'm real," Santa said. "And I'm standing right here."

"How can we be sure you're the _real_ Santa?" Alex asked suspiciously.

"Justin, when you were six, you wanted a Captain Jim Bob Sherwood fully flexible collectable action figure with all the accessories. And you wanted it new in box, and to never open it. You were a _weird _kid."

"Psh, he still is," Alex cut in.

"And Alex," Santa continued. "You were four, and what you wanted was to be just like your older brother Justin."

Alex blushed uncharacteristically. "Shut up! I did not!"

"Sure you didn't," Justin said, sticking out his tongue.

"All right you two, I'm not here to mediate an argument. I'm here because Alex has made a grave mistake."

"Ha!" Justin cried. Santa smacked him in the back of the head.

"What did I just say? Now listen, you two. I derive power from the cold and snow, and by making it warm, Alex is seriously undermining my ability to use the north to slingshot off into the warmer regions."

"Wait a minute," Alex said. "Back up a bit. I don't doubt that you're a powerful wizard, and if you want to call yourself Santa Claus I suppose I don't really care. But I've never gotten anything from Santa! I mean, all the packages labeled 'From Santa' when I was little were always wrapped up in the same paper as the stuff from mom and dad, and usually I had already seen these gifts in the closet way before Christmas."

"Well see, the thing is that most people don't need a Santa Claus, because they use my message of giving and generosity as an inspiration for hope and love. I mean, you guys are well-off business owners. How would one man, wizard or not, be able to service all those people? The truth is, I don't give gifts to everyone. But you know how you hear about a lot of Christmas miracles, either small or large, that are usually explicable by coincidence? Well, a lot of those are due to me."

"That's beautiful," Alex said, touched.

"And now you're going to fuck it all up!" Santa cried.

"Wait, can't I fix it? Can't I just say the reverse spell?"

"No, it's too late for that. By now, the spell has messed up the entire weather system. The only way you can fix things is to come to the North Pole with me, and perform the reverse spell there."

"Wait, what? Why there?"

"Due to the centralized locality of the pole, etc etc, you know, whatever, I don't make up the rules."

"How do I know that you're not just kidnapping me because you're a dirty old man? I mean come on... 'he sees you when you're sleeping?'"

"Fine, Justin can come with you if that will make you feel better."

"What, you expect Justin to protect _me?_" (Justin rubbed his fork-shaped scar as she said this.)

"No, but at least you could use him as a meatshield. Follow me, you can sit in the sidecar."

"Wait, what? You drive a motorcycle?" Justin asked Santa Claus.

"Yeah – it's a Holly Davidson."


	3. Admission of Feelings

A.N: To the anonymous reviewer who claims this isn't an M rated fanfic – you have a screwy concept of M-rating. I am fairly sure that simply using the word "fuck" multiple times constitutes that. Most of the "M" rated fics on this site should actually be higher, and in fact, some of the T-rated fics should be rated M, instead. However, I do agree that it's not funny, but I seem to have fooled a few people into thinking it is, so shhh... don't ruin it for them.

Of course, I doubt you're still reading, so the only real purpose of this is to impress my actual readers into being amused by how much I don't care. In fact, as far as they know, I submitted the negative review myself _just so that I could act callous about it._ BLOW YOUR MIND.

Wait a minute though.... claiming that this is both not funny and not mature.... mother, is that you??

In this chapter, the most blasphemous yet, Justin and Alex learn the true meaning of Christmas – again! They meet an angel and Justin discusses theology with him.

* * *

Justin and Alex were seated in Santa's sidecar, having gone with him without even telling their parents, an oversight that would be more or less totally ignored in the show anyway so I'm not bothering with an excuse here. Alex was sitting in front of Justin, and there wasn't a lot of room so she was practically in his lap. Justin had to spread his legs around her, and her short elf skirt was riding up slightly. Justin was getting a bit "distracted" as he liked to put it.

Eventually, Santa had to stop at a gas station to refuel. Neither Justin nor Alex asked how they were going to get to the North Pole on a motorcycle, but you know, a wizard did it. Anyhow, while Santa filled up, Justin and Alex stretched their legs.

"Justin," Alex said. "I could feel your hard-on poking me in the ass."

"Are you sure that's what it was? I mean, maybe I had a toy in my sack."

"No, I think you were just happy to see me. Are you, _attracted_ to me?" Alex asked suspiciously.

"Well look, I mean... you're an attractive girl and I'm a normalish guy! It's not that strange."

"I dunno Justin, it's kind of odd to be attracted to your _sister_."

"OK, OK! Maybe it is... but look, Alex, I'm not just attracted to you. I love you! I mean, I'm _in_ love with you! And it's hard to admit, I know, but it has to come out! Dammit, I'm sorry, Alex," he said, turning aside and casting his glance downward.

Alex smiled. "It's OK Justin! Seriously, it is."

"What the hell could make that OK, Alex?" Justin yelled.

"I'm in love with you too," she said, calmly.

Justin looked incredulous. He didn't speak for a minute. "But Alex, even so, it's still not OK!"

"Look Justin, we'll be OK."

"How do you know?"

"Because it's you and I," Alex said, smirking.

"That's beautiful," said a voice. "Disgusting, but beautiful."

Justin and Alex whipped their heads around to see who was saying that. Their eyes met with a man wearing a white gown, and had wings and a glowing halo over his head. Er, well, only the halo was over his head. The wings were on his back. He was also smoking a cigarette.

"What the hell, man, you were eavesdropping?"

"Whoa!" cried the 'angel.' "You can see me?"

"Um, yeah, you're standing right there."

"Yeah, but it's not many people who can see angels. Except, like, wizards and stuff."

"Are you saying you're an angel?" Alex asked. She had just met Santa and wasn't sure she was ready for this.

"Well yeah. You guys are wizards, aren't you?"

"Actually, yes," Justin said. "But why would wizards be able to see angels? I mean, isn't magic banned in the Bible?"

"Eh, most of that stuff is mistranslation and misinterpretation."

"Wait, so we aren't going to hell? I mean, besides the whole wizard thing I think we're pretty good Catholics," Justin said.

"Well, there is Leviticus 18:9," Alex interjected.

"Why do you even _know_ that one?" Justin asked. "Besides, most of the rest of Leviticus isn't listened to anymore," he pointed out.

"Well, Jesus specifically retracted most of it, but never the whole brother/sister incest thing."

"What! That's not fair! You can't choose who you fall in love with!" Justin cried.

"With whom you fall in love," Alex mumbled. It was ignored.

"True... tell you what, I'll put in a word for you with the Big Guy."

"Oh, thanks. By the way, what's your name?" Justin asked.

"Oh, I'm Harold," he said, extending his hand.

"Harold? I've never heard of an angel named Harold."

"Sure you have. 'Hark the Harold Angel Sings', you know. I've come to tell people about Jesus being born and such."

"Wait, first of all, didn't that happen like 2000 years ago? And also, wasn't Jesus born in spring?"

"OK, well, yes on both accounts. But you know, I come around to keep reminding people."

"OK... and why are you smoking?"

"Well, I don't actually have a physical body, it can't hurt me. All right though, I gotta go. See you two around," Harold said, disappearing in a puff of smoke. Just then, Santa called out to Alex and Justin.

"All right, she's filled up!" Santa said. "Let's roll." He put on his sunglasses, and Alex and Justin climbed back into the sidecar.


	4. Ho ho ho

A.N.: Ever since the review saying this was not an M-rated fic, I have been hurt! Isn't my perceived rating of the fic enough to warrant it? Especially since I have played it safe, giving it the higher of the possible two ratings? What, exactly, would make this an M-rated fic? A sex scene? Well, it goes against my principles, but if that's what I have to do to push my story into M-rated territory, then gosh dangit, I will! Just no one tell my psychologist.

Anyway, be WARNED. The sex scene in this chapter is not for everyone's eyes. It also has NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with the plot, so you can skip it. If you see it coming. Good luck

And as for the assertion that this story is not funny: You are correct. It is more like a sequence of bad puns than it is a story, which is mostly funny for _me_. But that's all that counts so NYAH.

Also, if you're wondering why these updates are so frequent, it's for a few reasons. For one thing, these chapters are really short (and half of it is just author's note rambling.) For another, there is no plot, the quality of the writing is at an all-time low, and mostly I just make it up as I go along. So, they write quick. Ly. Also, I can't sleep because there is a cat on my bed.

And of course, this update was far after the last one. This was for two reasons: 1) End of the semester/beginning of holiday madness. 2) It was really, really difficult to bring myself to even writing a terrible sex scene.

In this chapter, Alex and Justin make it to the North Pole, and then they save Christmas! Or something!

YYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH. (It had to be done. I am sorry.)

The long trip didn't bother Alex and Justin, because they got to covertly cuddle with one another while riding in Santa's sidecar. Of course, the trip was much shorter than it really should have been, thanks to the shortcuts Santa took, getting them to the North Pole in mere hours from the time they left New York.

The North Pole was probably not too much like Justin or Alex would have imagined it. It was mostly a series of prefab concrete buildings serving as elf barracks, factories and administrative offices, surrounded by chain-link fences topped with barbed wire. Santa's house, however, (where he parked the motorcycle, next to his ATV and golf cart) was nice and Victorian in style.

As it was cold, Alex and Justin kept close to one another to keep warm. And also because they're horny teenagers.

"Come on," Santa said, lighting his pipe. "I'll show you the reindeer!"

They all hopped into the golf cart. Santa drove them over to the stables, where the reindeer were kept. Justin was surprised to see them.

"Huh, these reindeer don't have antlers," he commented.

"No, male reindeer drop theirs before winter and don't get them back until around spring. So I don't know why they're always depicted as having antlers."

"So, which reindeer is your favorite?"

"Well, they're all _deer_ to me," Santa said, Alex barely catching the pun. "But I do have a special rapport with Comet. Not only is he a faithful reindeer, he also cleans my sinks!" Santa patted Comet on the nose, and Comet made a noise that Alex and Justin thought was a lot like purring.

"Who's a good boy? Yes you are, yes you are!" Santa said. Alex and Justin backed away slightly.

"All right," Santa continued. "Alex, I want you to cast the reverse spell as soon as possible. And after that, I am going to need some help with Christmas."

"But that's two weeks away!" Alex complained.

"Yeah, we'll get you set up with a room. You'll probably have to share a double."

Alex sighed. "Fine. Let's just get this reverse spell over with. What is it, anyway?"

"Well, first you have to be at the exact North Pole."

"Geometric or magnetic?" Justin asked.

"Actually at the _magic_ North Pole. Which is three feet from magnetic north. There is a dais built on top of it. Come on, let's go!"

They all got back into the golf cart and Santa drove to another concrete building. He parked it outside, and they all went in. Immediately inside was a large room with torches burning all around, with a dais in the middle. There were short people wearing dark robes with hoods stationed at each torch. Perhaps they were elfs. Or perhaps, frat boys. Maybe both. Epsilon Lambda Phi!

"OK, here it is, get on the platform," Santa said. Alex obeyed.

"OK, repeat after me," Santa said. "_Ego magnus stultus sum!"_

"_Ego magnus stultus sum!" _Alex said. Nothing seemed to happen. "Did I do it right? I don't feel anything."

"Haha, classic. I just wanted you to say that."

Alex furrowed her brow. "What? Huh?"

"I'll explain later," Justin said.

"No, seriously now," Santa said. "Say _'Frigidus Forever!'"_

Alex did so, and this time there was a bright spark of light that left her and exploded in the air above the building.

"OK, was _that_ it?" she asked, coming back over to Santa and Justin.

"Yep, now why don't I get you two your room?"

After a while, Justin and Alex were settled down in their room. Santa couldn't find a double, but he did find a room with one queen-sized bed, which they said they would take, and Justin said he'd sleep on the floor. Which was a total lie.

Meanwhile, while they were getting settled, Santa crept into the stable. He opened Comet's stall, went in, and then closed it behind him.

"Hey Comet," Santa said in a husky voice. "I'm coming down your chimney tonight."

Comet purred slightly, as well as a reindeer could, anyhow. Santa began rubbing Comet's smooth and silky fur. He ran his hands down his flank, sending shudders up the magical beast's spine. Santa's touch was what Comet waited for, what he thought about on cold nights, which, given that they lived at the North Pole was more often than not. Santa moved his hand to Comet's head, running it down his back, while with the other hand he rubbed the reindeer's nose. Comet closed his eyes and took in the tactile sensation of his lover caressing him. Comet pressed closer to Santa and began nuzzling his chest, turning his head to rub up against the soft velvet of Santa's robe. Then, getting impatient, Comet began to bite at Santa's belt, as if to say "I want you in me NOW."

Santa smiled. "You're such a ho ho ho," he said, not realizing the joke had already been used. Santa gripped the fur on Comet's neck, feeling the warmth of his arctic fur. It was soft, yet firm enough to tickle, so Santa buried his nose in the thick fleece, hungrily. He pulled Comet down to the floor of the stable on the bed of straw that was as soft as down. Santa lied down next to him on his back, leaning up to look at Comet's head. Comet threw it back majestically, shaking his fur out alluringly. Santa brought his face close to Comet's mouth, and Comet gingerly licked Santa's rosy cheek with his rough and moist tongue, rubbing in little circles of stimulation that made Santa's "sack" get "full of toys."

Comet grunted as though to say "Stop teasing me," and Santa smiled, sticking out his own tongue and turning his head toward Comet's mouth, allowing the reindeer to fully envelope his tongue in the large beast's own tongue. Comet flicked it around, teasing the edges of Santa's mouth, until Santa allowed him entrance. The tongue was large in his mouth, and Santa sucked on it, running his own tongue under his. After a bit, they pulled apart. They both smiled, each others' saliva dripping from their mouths to cover their chins, causing the Comet's fur to become matted.

A.N.: There, happy now? Please don't make me do that again. No amount of showering is going to save me now.


	5. Merry Christmas!

A.N.: I actually don't have anything important to say this edition of Author's Notes. I just hope anonymous reviewers have learned not to engage in a battle of wits with me, or else they get _that_.

Also, bad news – this will be the last chapter before Christmas. I'm going away for Christmas soon completely away from the Internet. That's right, the North Pole.

In this chapter, Justin and Alex save Christmas because they didn't get to it last chapter.

* * *

About a week passed. I won't say how Justin and Alex spent their time, only remind you that they are teenagers in love, staying unchaperoned in a room with a single bed and let you extrapolate from there. (Yep, I'll write hot Santa-on-Comet but refuse to give you any Justin-on-Alex.)

Justin and Alex lost track of time during this week, so despite the fact that they should have been worried about their parents missing them, they didn't. What would their parents think when they noticed that they've been gone?

Back home in New York, Max looked around the loft. "Say, has anyone seen Justin and Alex lately?"

"Not today, but I'm sure they were around just a bit ago. They must be having fun due to winter break," Jerry said.

So, Justin and Alex, by virtue of the world's lamest lampshading, were able to spend nearly every hour of that time with each other. They were given more or less free reign of Santa's hotel, though, so they spent some time in the pool, restaurant, and getting ice from the ice machine. The pool is, appropriately, indoors, and there was a hot tub too. Of course, it is called the North _Pool_. Neither Justin nor Alex had brought swimsuits, because it would take a madman to think to bring such articles to the North Pole. Fortunately, they were the only guests and so didn't have to worry about running into other people. Make of that what you will.

The elves who ran the hotel were friendly, but since their first language was North Polish it was sometimes hard to communicate with them.

Then one day, Santa burst into their room. Justin and Alex bolted up in bed, because they had been cuddling. But they were caught now, it was too late to spring apart and make it look natural. However, Santa didn't even seem to notice.

"Justin, Alex! I need your help. A few of my elves are sick with tinselitis, and I could use some help with the Christmas rush. I can take you home on the delivery route, since I'm sure you were wondering when you'd get home anyway."

"Actually, no, not really," Alex said. "How long have we been here, anyway?" She cocked her head to the side.

"About a week," Santa told them.

"Holy shit!" Justin cried. "How'd we lose track of time so much?"

Alex settled back into Justin, resting her head on his shoulder. Since Santa didn't seem to care that the siblings were apparently found in a rather compromising position, she was going to get comfortable. There was something about her brother that was extremely satisfying. He was warm, familiar, safe, protective. Sure he was a geek, but even that was endearing. She sighed contentedly.

"OK, look guys, I need you in the packing room," Santa continued. "Hup hup hup!"

Justin and Alex groaned and got out of bed, following Santa down to the packing room. It was a large, rather industrial-looking workshop where various boxes, toys, and other gifts were conveyed on belts to awaiting elves who wrapped it. Things looked dreary.

"Aww, this place needs cheering up," Alex commented.

"What do you think this is, a fucking fairy tale?" Santa said. "The North Pole is all about efficiency!"

"That's sad," Alex said. "Shouldn't Christmas be about happiness and love and stuff?"

"For everyone _else_, yes. But I don't have the time for it!"

Just then, Santa's phone rang. The ringtone was Carol of the Bells.

"Yes, hello?" Santa snapped into his cell. "Uh oh.... ho, ho, shit." He hung up.

"Okay... you guys start wrapping, I need to take care of the Antisanta."

"What's the Antisanta?" Justin asked.

"An Antisanta is kind of like an antipope. When the Council of Elfders disagrees on the appointment of Santa, there can be support for another Santa, the Antisanta."

Just then, there was an explosion and the building shook. "Ho ho holy shit!" Santa cried. He rushed outside and Justin and Alex followed him. In the air they saw Christmas trees flying, and exploding when they landed.

"What the hell are those?" Justin yelled.

"Tannen-Bombs!" Santa explained. Then a number of gold and green SRBMs appeared on the horizon. "And those are Missle-Toes! He's opened fire!" Santa whipped out his cell and pressed a few hasty numbers. "Battlestations, everyone! Defend the Pole as best you can!"

Justin and Alex looked at one another nervously. "What do we do, Santa?" Justin asked.

"Come with me! We've got to head to the South Pole!"

"The South Pole? What for?" Justin questioned.

"Where else would the _Anti_santa live?"

They ran to the hanger, where Santa's sleigh was kept, while a number of elves brought the reindeer in.

"Um, Santa?" Alex said. "Why are you smiling like that at Comet? Is he your favorite?"

"What, oh, no no," Santa explained hastily. "I'm like a miser – every buck is deer to me. Come along though, we haven't any time to waste!"

They all climbed into the sleigh, the reindeer were attached, and Santa mushed them off. They approached cruising altitude, feeling only a little bit of turbulence. Santa began pushing some dials and switches.

Once they reached cruising altitude, Santa pulled open a Molly Guard, underneath which was a big red button.

"PUNCH IT!" Santa cried while pushing the button. "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!" he yelled as the sleigh approached Warp 1, then began to slow down almost immediately afterward so that they wouldn't overshoot their target.

Soon Justin and Alex were looking over the Antarctic. Santa began to descend as anti-air fire began to commence.

"Taking evasive action," Santa said calmly, going into a dive.

"Do a barrel-roll!" he said, spinning into the aforementioned maneuver.

Now the base of operations of the Antisanta was visible to the occupants of the sleigh. From Alex and Justin's points of view, it looked like an air force base. They continued to fly past it, dodging all the while.

"Where are we going?" Justin yelled over the noise.

"To the center of the landmass," Santa yelled back.

Quite soon they left the range of the anti-air fire, only to begin being followed by jet fighters.

"Two bogeys are on our tail, Santa!" Justin yelled. Alex rolled her eyes. Santa ejected chaff just in time to intercept missiles shot at them.

"See if you can do anything about them, my boy!" Santa requested. Justin turned around, whipped out his wand and shot a bolt of silvery light at the nearest plane. Upon hitting, its engine stalled and it went into a dive. He repeated the spell on the other plane.

That bought them enough time to land very near the center of the continent, as Santa had intended.

"OK, we need to perform the ritual of the awakening of the Great Old One Pengguoth!"

"What the hell is that?" Alex asked.

"Well Alex, if you'd pay attention to your wizard studies, you'd know the the Great Old Ones are these scary mad alien things. Santa, are you sure this is safe?"

"Actually, I'm sure it's _not, _which is why I want to do it. It will destroy the Antisanta first."

"Right, and how are we going to prevent it from destroying the rest of the world?"

"Well, since the stars aren't right yet, I imagine Antisanta's defense against it will make it decide to just go back to dormancy. Now come on, link hands..."

They all held hands in a circle as Santa began to recite the ancient, arcane and insane ritual. It sounded like gibberish to Alex and Justin, but when he stopped speaking, something began to rumble under the ice.

"Come on, let's get the fucking hell out of here!" Santa yelled as they ran back to the sleigh. The reindeer took off just in time for something to burst through the ice, and when Alex and Justin looked back, they were horrified, stricken with madness and shocked at the giant penguin-monster. Replete with tentacles.

"OK kids," Santa said, turning to them apologetically. "Despite needing help, I think you've had enough excitement for a while. Why don't I take you home?"

They nodded, unable to do much else for now.

Santa steered the sleigh back to New York, and landed on their roof near the chimney.

"Wait a minute," Justin said. "We don't have a chimney."

"Eh, magic," Santa replied, shrugging. "OK, you two first."

Alex went down first, then Justin after her. Finally, Santa made his way down. They came out into the lair.

"Egads, I hate that," Santa said. "I have Claustrophobia, you know."

"Then why do you go down the chimney?" Justin asked.

"It just soots me, I guess," Santa replied, shrugging. Santa smiled at them and then went back up the chimney.

"Hey look, mistletoe!" Alex said, pointing up.

"Where?" Justin cried, ducking and covering. Alex pulled him up. "Not that kind," she said, embracing him and giving him a delicate kiss.

* * *

Io Saturnalia, everyone! Although this is the last chapter _before_ Christmas, there may be more after, so stay...well, not really 'tuned', but anyway, watch for updates!


End file.
